Mad Dogs and Englishmen by Noel Coward
In tropical climes there are certain times of day
When all the citizens retire
To take their clothes off and perspire.
It�s one of those rules that the greatest fools obey
Because the sun is far too sultry
And one must avoid its ultry violet ray.
The natives grieve when the whitemen leave their huts
Because they�re obviously, definitely nuts!
Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.
The Japanese don�t care to,
The Chinese wouldn�t dare to.
Hindus and Argentines sleep firmly from twelve to one.
But Englishmen detest a siesta.
In the Philippines they have lovely screens
To protect you from the glare.
In the Malay States there are hats like plates
Which the Britishers won�t wear.
At twelve noon the natives swoon,
And no further work is done.
But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.
It�s such a surprise for the Eastern eyes to see,
That though the English are effete
They�re quite impervious to heat.
When the whiteman rides every native hides in glee,
Because the simple creatures hope he
Will impale his solar topee on a tree.
It seems such a shame when the English claim the earth
That they give rise to such hilarity and mirth.
Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.
The toughest Burmese bandit
Can never understand it.
In Rangoon the heat of noon is just what the natives shun
They put their Scotch or Rye down and lie down.
In a jungle town where the sun beats down
To the rage of man and beast,
The English garb of the English sahib
Merely gets a bit more creased.
In Bangkok at twelve o�clock
They foam at the mouth and run
But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun
Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.
The smallest Malay rabbit
Deplores this foolish habit.
In Hong Kong they strike a gong
And fire off a noonday gun
To reprimand each inmate who�s in late.
In the mangrove swamps where the python romps
There is peace from twelve to two.
Even caribous lie around and snooze,
For there�s nothing else to do.
In Bengal to move at all is seldom if ever done.
But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.

Interview with Quentin Crisp
P = Presenter
C = Quentin Crisp
I = Interviewer

P This is part of an interview with Quentin Crisp which was broadcast on LBC (London Broadcasting Company) radio. The interviewer asked Quentin Crisp why he had always felt different and apart from other people.
C I really never had any option to do anything else. I was never going to be able to join the human race, and I realized that very early. When I was a child I was an object of scorn. I don�t ever remember not being laughed at, by my brothers and my sister, my parents when I was a child, by the other boys at school, as you can well imagine, when I went to school, and by the people with whom I worked when I went out into the world. So that it seemed I either had to try and make a go of being myself or accept complete failure as being a real person.
I It sounds as though it was… very miserable childhood. Was it?
C It was a miserable childhood, but one must be careful. I wasn�t beaten, I wasn�t shut in dark cellars for days on end. You hear now of such terrible things happening to children that you have to be careful when you say �I had a rotten childhood�. It was, in a sense, my own fault. I was unable to learn how to be with other people in the sense of being like other people.
I When did that first hit you, when did you first realize that that�s how you felt?
C Well, I suppose mostly at school, when my appearance, which was just like, to me, I was just like everybody else. I mean, they wouldn�t have allowed me to grow my hair long, er, because as you know a public school is just like being in prison. But it still made no difference. People were saying �Why on earth do you say these things? Why do you stand like that? Why do you look like that?� I mean, it never stopped.
I Do you think this was with you from birth, I mean, if the rest of your family was so completely conventional and ordinary, how did you learn to be like that?
C I don�t know how it happened, because, yes, my mother and father were middle-class, middle-brow, middling people, and my sister was just like a human being all her life. My brothers were sort of part-time hooligans. When my… one of my nieces went all the way to Chile to … er… see her cousin and see my brother, when she came back, she said �Oh, he�s a hooligan�. And I said �He can�t be, he�s been with the same firm for thirty years�. And she said �Well, he went to a board meeting wearing rope-soled sandals and one of his daughter�s jumpers�.
I But… I mean… did… have you kept in touch with your family? Did you feel that you were rejected by your family, or did you reject your family?
C They were very good. They… my father died when I was twenty-two, more or less in self-defence, I think. My mother lived until I was in my fifties, and of course, if you live long enough, you become the same age as your parents. If you�re three and your mother is thirty, she might be from another planet. If you�re fifty-three and your mother is eighty-three, what the hell, you�re just two little old people. So I got to know my mother, and indeed I knew her better than I knew my sister, in a sense.
P The interview goes on to discuss Quentin Crisp�s career as a writer, which, although successful, did not bring in much money.
I Would you have liked more money though? I mean, would you… what would you have done with it if you�d had it?
C If I�d had a great deal of money, I wouldn�t have lived very differently. I would have lived in one room � I never know what people do with the room they�re not in � I would have lived in a larger room, and it would have been made so that everything was very easy for me to do. I like the process of living to be reduced to an absolute minimum. But otherwise and that, I would have lived in America earlier, I could have gone there, and I should say if I was rich I would have been welcome come what may. Otherwise and that, I would have lived in one room, I would have done whatever people found for me to do, and when I wasn�t doing it, I would have done a hell of a lot of nothing. I�m very good at doing nothing.
I One of the stories about you is that you lived in this room in Chelsea for thirty-seven years without ever cleaning it. Is that true?
C That’s true. There�s no need to clean your room. All that�s a dream invented by your mother. Er, all … everyone who sees you in your room says �You can�t go on living like this. You�ll get some terrible disease …� erm, and so on. It�s all quite untrue. I�m still here, nearly eighty, and I�ve never cleaned any room I�ve lived in.